Wolverine (played by Hugh Jackman)

The Wolverine

Welcome to delifort lab. Our today’s research subject is the mutant from Marvel universe, known as the Wolverine

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We are about to discuss the severe consequences of his mutation on his abilities and lifestyle. In short, he has just one superpower – enhanced healing factor. AKA instant healing of wounds or any other ‘defects’ of his own body. In more detail, his powers are:

  1. Instant healing of wounds.
  2. Perfect quality of healing. It’s not just that he heals faster. He can restore the default condition of his body. In normal people, wounds merely patch up like a torn rug sewed back with a thread of non-matching colour. But Wolverine restores his body just the way it was. He can’t have scars, and if he looses a finger, the wound won’t just close, but a new finger will grow, just like the original one. I would call it ‘reengineering’ of body.
  3. Neutralizing any toxins or diseases that get into his body.
  4. Fighting the aging process.

In some ‘modifications’ our immortal friend also has adamantium skeleton, which is supposedly the strongest compound on Earth. It’s not really his own superpower, but still worth mentioning.

That concludes the question of what he can do. Now, what he can’t:

  • Wolverine cannot develop callosity. Since he has reengineering instead of normal human regeneration, his skin will stay soft no matter how much friction is applied to it. So if he chooses to go into weightlifting, each training session will be as painful to his skin as the very first one. At least it will heal quick.
  • Muscle stretching exercises are useless to Wolverine. Essentially, stretching is inflicting microruptures to one’s muscular tissue that then heals but changes its properties in the process. In Wolverine, those microruptures will simply heal, instantly. Unfortunately, becoming prima-balerina is not his destiny.
  • Now a big surprise: not only Wolverine cannot stretch, but he cannot gain muscular mass and get ripped. For the same reason: muscles grow after a hard workout that wears-and-tears them. But in Wolverine, nothing wears-and-tears. How come he’s so big and ripped then? Silicone implants?
  • Another problem in the way of getting ripped: his muscles cannot be worked out and fatigued at all. The byproducts of glycolysis that build up in muscles during workout and make them fail will be removed instantly by Wolverine’s super healing factor. He could bench-press infinitely. He cannot build muscular mass, so he has the strength of an average person, but on the other hand, he has infinite endurance. A hundredth set would be like the very first one to him. Must be helpful in carrying heavy adamantium around.
  • He cannot get drunk or become tobacco or drug addict. Funny: smoking Wolverine is in fact the anti-advertisement of smoking. “Look, only immortals can smoke.”
  • He cannot taste spicy food. Spicy taste is the result of taste receptors traumatised by aggressive foods like pepper.
  • He cannot get tan. Tan is the response of the skin to microdamage caused by UV. Wolverine can’t even have the pre-tan skin redness, even if he’s left in the middle of Northern Australia tied naked to the ground.
  • This one is kinda fun: Wolverine is, well, he’s not even a sexual tyrannosaur, but a sexual godzilla regimen See, the refractory phase (the one right after the orgasm) is nothing more than a fatigue of particular pelvic muscles and heavy overload of certain hormones. Which means that in Wolverine, like any other muscle, those pelvic muscles will “reload” in seconds, excessive hormones will be cleaned out instantly, and he’ll be able to continue the marathon. And after the 20th orgasm too. There will be no fatigue, no tiredness. A typical sexual intercourse of the Wolverine: bone (pardon my French) a lady twenty times in a row, and as soon as she starts begging for mercy, finish, leave the bed that instant and go smoke in another room to, you know, relax.
  • Wolverine is the living dream of a beginner tattoo master. A walking canvas to practice infinitely:  the ink will be removed by healing factor as a toxin. He could even make money from bets. You know, come to tattoo salon and say: “I bet $5000 that you won’t put a picture of a heart under my skin no matter how hard you try!”
  • The biggest problem of adamantium-enhanced Wolverine is not Magneto. It’s water. No surprise that he’s afraid of planes. If he happens to fall in water in the middle of the ocean, he’ll anchor straight to the bottom because with adamantium he has strong negative buoyancy. I don’t know if he dies down there, but certainly won’t get out.

If Wolverine was a lady, then those peculiarities would add to the ones listed above:

  • She won’t know what a period is (unless someone tells her). Dunno if it’s good or bad, but the cycle itself will be going, just ‘secretly’.
  • Every time would be like the first time. In fact, a five-second break to switch a pose, would be enough for hymen to regenerate.
  • She could remove her your leg hair or just shave it – same thing. Hair follicles pulled out will regenerate instantly, and the hair will grow as quickly as after shaving. So if she doesn’t want to go hairy, she’d have to shave daily. No need for foam or whatever though: minor cuts or irritation will regenerate instantly.
  • She’ll be acne-free for life, but if her skin is oily or blackhead-prone, those things will be on her face for eternity. Oil glands won’t age and stay active forever, and blackheads are not toxins so they won’t be affected by healing factor. Good news though: any skin treatment, even the most aggressive ones, are available to her, including 90% sulfuric acid peeling and mechanical extraction using pliers – skin heals, so who cares.
    *The last point applies to men as well though, although they seem seldom to bother about this stuff, at least from my personal experience

But what if there’s a pair of male and female Wolverines?

  • Birth control might be pain in the ass. Pills won’t work, neither emergency nor regular. Abortion-based methods probably won’t too. Vasectomy and tubal legation would be problematic and require adamantium staples or something. Condoms will work, but won’t be so fun, given that venereal diseases are not an issue. On the other hand, there certainly won’t be any allergy to latex.
  • However, in Wolverine female the reproductive climax will happen anyway. Because the quantity of ova is predetermined at the embryo stage, and regeneration won’t be helpful here. At certain age, she’ll be like any other woman. Interestingly, a Wolverine girl after 60 is a perfect lover: forever young, unpregnant by definition. On the other hand, she’s doomed for child-free eternity, so if she has intentions to procreate, she better hurry. The male, on the other hand, will be fertile forever.

Unresolved issues

  • What’s with his teeth? The enamel regenerates, but teeth themselves can replace only once in a lifetime: it’s embryonically predetermined, and nothing can be done about it. If Wolverine looses a bunch of teeth in a fistfight, he might consider adamantium prostheses.
  • As for abortion: it’s interesting if a child from two Wolverines is a Wolverine itself. If yes, then its healing factor will function even at embryonic stage. Meaning that pregnant female could smoke and booze freely and do whatever she wants – the child would be invincible. Even abortion attempt won’t be a problem to the baby.
    *What I wanted to add here is that all that bullshit about mutation’s manifestation, i.e. that the Wolverine was ordinary and unhealthy child but then suddenly got activated is simply unrealistic…

And yet one more unresolved issue

All stuff explained above works under one assumption only that is observed in the movies: Wolverine tells “go f*ck yourself” to the laws of physics, particularly the law of matter preservation”. He can regenerate, maintain diabolical immune system, and yet… doesn’t eat. The Wolverine is #1 candidate for an expedition to secluded mountains: if the team happens to be lost away from civilization without food, there is an easy solution: cut out Wolverine’s liver, cook it – a new one will instantly grow in its stead.

But speaking within realities of our world, such healing requires insane metabolism. All that amazing stuff, such as infinite stamina and body reengineering, work only as long as he eats. A lot. Hourly. Yes, his muscles do not fail, but muscular contractions and reparation would consume energy. Yes, Wolverine won’t feel fatigue, he’ll just die of hunger after an hour of workout.

As for the Wolverine from the comic books, he is truly omnipotent and invincible beast capable of building his body out of nothing! Perhaps, his greatest superpower is zero-expense self-provision. He can literally survive with zero $$$ in his pocket: he doesn’t need food, water, a roof (uncomfy, but he won’t catch flu after sleeping on stones). Now it is clear how he survived without a job

Here’s supposed to be a proper conclusion. But I can’t: too shocked from the fact that silicone implants were available before atomic bombs were invented.

___

Further reads

Articles on speculative biology

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